I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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