a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
