M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
