Did you just see the Batmobile???
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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