Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
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This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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