Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
