He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
