i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
