On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
