I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
