You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
