I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Houston, we have a blender
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Panties = found
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