I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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