Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
