So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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