i think my mom watched the whole time
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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