Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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