He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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