Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
