he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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