so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
