What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Randomize
