Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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