Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
