She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
