I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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