He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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