Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
