Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
