where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
