It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
