I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Congratulations! We have a period
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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