Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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