I love having hate sex.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
