You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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