i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
