hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
