I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
