The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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