I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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