Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
