Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
