i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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