Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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