Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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