every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
