i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
wow bdsm is so cute
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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