Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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