sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
