I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
