I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
