Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
