I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
