We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
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I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
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I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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