I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
