I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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