did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
