capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
